So….If you are out for the evening with a lovely lady companion and somebody approaches you with a bundle of roses and solicits you to purchase one for your gal, do you purchase said rose?  Does the lady even want the rose?  Wouldn’t this whole ploy be more effective for the salespeople if they were selling M&M’s?  In my experience, it would be.

My new ship was in the final stages of a shipyard visit when I joined.  The galley was under repair which meant there was no dinner being served my first night on board.  The company gave us some money and we were forced to fend for ourselves.

As the ship was in dry dock within walking distance of The Columbia, one of my very favorite restaurants, this was quite ok with me.  I strolled over and enjoyed a delightful paella while dining at the bar amongst the attractive Friday night Ybor City crowd.  It was a tad lonely watching all the couples enjoying their meals while my companion of choice was not even in the same time zone, but I managed to strike up a nice conversation here and there and had a nice time.

After dinner I walked the main street of Ybor City and hung out at a blues bar for a bit to check out the band.  It was there that I encountered what appeared to be a homeless man selling roses.  As I was all by myself you might inquire as to why I was in the market for a rose.  I wasn’t.  Being an outgoing fellow I struck up a conversation with the man as I found his selling technique to be humorous.  What he was doing was approaching groups of guys that were together and trying to get them to buy roses for their buddies.  These guys weren’t gay – he was just trying to embarrass them.  Some of the guys laughed it off but most acted like twenty-two year old frat boys – jerks.  Although it was funny to see him piss these kids off, he wasn’t selling roses.

He asked me if I wanted to purchase a rose for myself, a painfully poignant observation on his part.  I said no but I discovered during our conversation that he was selling a self-published book of poetry.  Poetry that celebrated women, no less.  I like to celebrate women and I was impressed that an apparently homeless man published a book, even a cheap one, so I paid him $20 for a copy.

It is without a doubt the worst poetry I have ever read.  You want a quality poem about women?  Here you go!

Women have nice boobs and they are sexy fine hot

Nothing is better than kissing their special spot

It’s fun to watch them get naked and spin on poles

They’re good at doing dishes and washing clothes

 

Ok…Sorry!  You know I am not like that.  In my joke of a marriage and in all my relationships I have done all the cooking AND cleaning.  Plus, I swing on a stripper pole, although I prefer not to be totally naked.  I feel I look better in finally made Italian high fashion.  Still, you have to admit the poem was funny.  And check this out:  While I was writing this a commercial came on for the “pocket hose.”  I heard, “pocket hose” and “grows and grows and grows!!” right while I was typing sexy fine hot.  I swear this is true (that means there is a 50/50 chance that the statement is true.)  But really, it is true!  I think that is damn funny and I am starting to question the rest of you all’s sense of humor.

To be honest, that pocket hose looks pretty handy.  You should get one.

I hate it when you all let me get sidetracked.  I bought the book and chatted with the guy for a while.  Since I had nothing to do I started helping him sell roses.  Here are some things I found to be true about the rose selling business.

#1 – The guy does not want to buy a rose.  He doesn’t think it is worth the $4.  He doesn’t want to pull out his wad of cash in front of what appears to be a bum.  He is not sure if this girl is putting out.  He doesn’t want to set a precedent of always having to purchase a rose.

#2 – The gal does not want to receive a rose.  You can see it in their eyes.  “Bad word great.  Now I have to carry this wilted sorry excuse for a flower around all night.  What am I supposed to do with this thing?  And what does this guy expect for this rose?  He can’t even dance!”

#3 – The guy is stupid and believes that the gal wants the rose.

#4 – Even though the gal does not want the rose, she will be upset if she doesn’t get one.  This is just one of the 87 million things about women that do not make sense.

You want to know my personal stance on roses?  I always buy them.  I believe in helping the poor and I like buying little gifts for people.  And ladies, if the worst thing that happens to you tonight is that somebody buys you a poor quality rose, you did not have that bad of a night.  Just say thank you, give the guy a kiss on the cheek and ask permission to throw it in the garbage.  We’re all happy.

My selling technique was simple.  “Wow!!  If my lady was walking around in those sexy shoes there is no way I wouldn’t buy her a rose.”  I am not an expert on women.  In fact, I know nothing.  But I have found that if a woman is going to torture herself by walking around all night in 6 inch heels she likes to be thanked for it.  At least five times I heard, “You never compliment my shoes!”  Four of those five times the guy bought the rose.

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It must be your lucky day because I am going to wrap this up with a top ten list.  One of my favorite things to do when I first get on a ship is check out the signs that are above the toilets instructing you not to put anything but toilet paper and body waste in the commode.  They are always worded so humorously.  Sadly, there are no signs on this ship.

Just when my spirits were sagging to an all time low I used the head on the bridge and noticed something that I knew would provide comedy gold for years to come.  Every ship has a satellite phone that has a distress button.  You can use this phone to make a normal call or just press the big red button if you are in, well, distress.  This ship has a second phone on the bridge.  Right next to the toilet!!!!

This top ten list needs no preamble or explanation.  I mean, an emergency satellite phone next to the toilet?!?!?!?!  Wooohooooo!!!!!

The Top Ten Calls To Make on the Emergency Satellite Phone While Sitting on the Toilet!!!!

10.  Dominos?  Um…..Do you guys deliver to 23 degrees 4 minutes north, 093 degrees 7minutes west?  And do you have any specials?

9.  White House operator, connect me to the President!!!  We believe, oh no, it’s happening right now.  Oh my God!!!!  Mr. President, we have just confirmed an enemy launch!!!

8.  Yes, Coast Guard.  How you guys doing?  Great, great…..Listen, you have any cutters or helicopters in the area?  You think you could drop off some toilet paper.  Like, uh, pretty quick?

7.  Steward?  Captain…..You better bring my lunch up….looks like it’s gonna be long one.

6.  Honey.  It’s me.   No, nothing is wrong.  I just wanted you to know you don’t have to take care of the kids today.  No, seriously.  I’m dropping them off at the pool right now.

5.  Yes, this is a legitimate distress call!!!  The ship is really sinking!!  Thank God I was already on the toilet…..

4.  Hi Sprint.  I just wanted to let you know what I think of your customer service.  Hold on a second….eeeerrrrppppphhhhhhhttttththttttt……Thanks for letting me share.

3.  Con!!!!  Sonar!!!  Torpedo in the water bearing three six zero……wait…..kerplop…..Second torpedo in the water bearing zero zero five!!!!  (You know I can’t resist Hunt for Red October references.)

2.  Chief Mate?  Captain here.  I need you to gather the guys and come on in for a safety meeting.  I have something important to share with you.

1.  Hello, Sky Mall?  I’ll take the deluxe king size doggie bed, two of the Harry Potter wands and one of those hair growth lasers.  That’s guaranteed to work, right?  Great!

Ok, so maybe only six or seven are any good but those top ten lists are hard to write!!!  Even Letterman’s really good top tens only had seven or so good ones.  I’m in pretty good company!!!

The new ship is groovy.  For those of you who always ask specific questions about the ship, I will fill you in next blog.  And thank you for your interest!!!  To answer the most popular question – yes, it smells like sulphur 😦

We ate well for Thanksgiving but it is always sad not be home.  Oh well, this means I get another Sailor Thanksgiving next vacation and that was a great success last time.

God Bless you all.

See ya,

Russell Yale