On every ship I have ever sailed on I have at one point referred to my Captain as “Oh Captain! My Captain!”  One of my Captains knew that it was a poem.  None of the others had any idea what I was talking about, including my current Captain.  My question is: what are they teaching at these maritime academies?

Not all Captains went to maritime academies.  The Coast Guard provides a system to work your way up, called hawse piping, which allows you to combine experience at sea with class work to so you can qualify to take your examinations.  The course work is extensive and the tests are pretty difficult.  This is the route I will take to obtain my license and having taken a few classes and done some advanced studying I can tell you that it takes actual work and studying to obtain your license.

Those that go through a maritime academy, and that is every Captain I have ever had, not only take all these sailing classes but presumably take general education classes as well.  They leave with a Bachelor’s degree.  How do you make it through English 101 without knowing about Walt Whitman?  Christ!  They could have at least watched Dead Poets Society.

I hate to be insulting.  All of my cadet buddies who go to these schools have seemed pretty sharp.  Maybe things are getting better.

Blog question of the day – What was Whitman writing about when he wrote, “Oh Captain! My Captain!”  No cheating and looking it up.  If you know the answer email me at russellyale@piratepooh.com and you will win……nothing.  Because nobody will email the answer I am not wasting my time coming up with a prize.  So there.

********************************************

Blog music is Tom Petty’s Mojo album.  I know this has been blog music before but I need Petty in my life a lot lately.

********************************************

I lost a bet, not for the first time in my life.  I should never gamble.  I have been in some seriously bad situations because of gambling.  Losing this bet did not put me in a life threatening situation but I did have to do something I didn’t want to do.  That’s the point of betting after all.

I have a lady friend who likes Alabama football.  In spite of this I still kind of like her.  We haven’t seen each other in years and seldom talk but we will occasionally chat about football and even bet now and then.

My gal pal is currently dating a guy she met on Match.Com.  Like a lot of females in my life she worries about the fact that I am single and have no apparent hope of landing a woman outside of a strip club.  After we caught up on what had happened in our lives over the last couple of years she started bugging me to join Match. No way.

I have never online dated.  I have never even tried.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.  In fact, the few people I personally know who have done it are beautiful desirable women.  If they are representative of the types of ladies out there, then I for one would like one for myself.

There are a couple of reasons I have never done it.  One, I am away from home for a long time.  If I made a connection with somebody it would be months before we could meet.  Maybe that would be ok, maybe not.  It is really the second reason that makes Match.com unsuited for me.

Before I tell you about the second reason let me tell you that if I lost the bet I would have to join Match for three months.  It was a football bet.  I was trash talking and said that Alabama would lose to Auburn and LSU would end up in the SEC Championship.  No, I wasn’t stupid enough to bet on Auburn.  But she said Alabama would beat Auburn by at least 40 points and that Auburn wouldn’t even score!!

Let’s review the facts.  I am a knowledgeable college football fan. She is a girl.  I understand point spreads, over/unders, parleys and all that stuff.  She is a girl.  I read injury and scouting reports and know the importance of historical rivalries.  She is a girl.

I told her that she had to wear an LSU jersey to the LSU/Bama game next season (her new beau has season tickets) when she lost and the bet was on.

If you watch college football you know that Bama won 49-0.  Why did I bet on stupid Auburn to do anything?  I hate the faux tigers.  Bad word Auburn.

A bet’s a bet so I signed up.  I will do my three months and I am done.  I hate it already.

I am not going to lie to some lady online about who I am just so she can be disappointed when she meets me in person.  Following is my profile description:

“I am a US Merchant Marine.  Not a Marine.  A Merchant Marine.  I am not a hero who goes out and fights for your freedom.  I am a sailor who works on cargo ships.  I travel the world going to some very intersting, some dangerous and some quite boring places.  Because of my job relationships are challenging.  I am away from home for four to six months at a time and then I am home on vacation for two to three months at a time.  I’m really looking for someone who wants to be friends and likes to correspond while I am away and have some fun while I am home.  I am not sure the person who could tolerate this work schedule in a serious relationship is out there, but maybe they are and I am not opposed to trying.  If you are looking for a man who is a member of the rotary club, a Deacon in the church, is a blue chip producer at the insurance agency or any that normal stuff, then I am most definitely not your man.  I am an easy going guy with a great sense of humor.  I like Winnie the Pooh and Sponge Bob.  I am basically a twelve year old.  Well, I have a job, pay my bills, have a driver’s license and like sex, but otherwise I am basically twelve.  I goof around, don’t take too many things seriously and try to stay light hearted.  I am a southern gentleman.  I believe women are special creations of God and the fact that men don’t treat them properly any longer is one of the sad things in today’s society.  I love sports, and if LSU loses on Saturday or the Buccaneers lose on Sunday I may not be able to get out of bed until Wednesday.  I know it is silly, but it is what it is.  I love to cook, I enjoy nice restaurants and I can never get enough live music.  I like nice clothes and try to dress well, but I am cool with flip-flops and t-shirts.  I guess my ideal lady would know how to laugh, have a sense of adventure and share my dream of being the number one Gangnam style dancer in all the world.”

Rereading that just now I realized that a gal I really like would automatically disqualify me after she read it.  This is the problem with being honest.

So there I am, out there on Match.com.  What now?  Here’s what now and this is the second reason I hate this thing – women wink at you.  Ok….What am I supposed to do then?  I can wink back or I can email them.  Winking back seems kind of lame.  That’s just basically saying, “I acknowledge your presence and your picture is cute enough that I will click my mouse one time but the ball is back in your court so if you want me you are going to have to work a little harder than that.”  Seems rude to me.

If a gal in a bar winked at me, I wouldn’t just wink back.  One, I am not a good winker.  The whole side of my face scrunches up.  Two, it is rare that a gal gives you a blatant sign.  At least for me it is.  You have to take advantage when you can.  I would definitely go over and talk to her.  The Match version of this is sending an email, and this is where the entire thing really starts to piss me the bad word off. 

Step 1:  Gal views my profile.

Step 2:  Gal winks at me.

Step 3:  I email gal.

Step 4:  ……………..nothing.

Seriously?  Why the bad word did you wink at me if you don’t want to email me back?  Let me get a message out to all you Match.com ladies.  I don’t need you in my life.  I already have ladies in my life who don’t email me back.  And I love them so they are staying.  You don’t mean anything to me.  What makes you think I am going to take that crap from you?

Here’s what I don’t understand.  They saw my pictures so they must not have thought I was horrendous to look at.  They read my profile so they know I’m an idiot already.  What was it in the email that made them say, “Bad word!  I really screwed up winking at that guy!”  I now have to sit around wondering what I wrote that was that bad and I really don’t need that kind of stress in my life.  I just don’t.

Let me continue to bitch.  Every lady out there wants a nice guy.  Every one of them wants true romance.  Every one of them wants a gentleman.

You know who is a nice guy?  I am.  You know who is romantic?  Me.  You know who is a gentleman?  You got it.

Here’s the problem:  every guy is going to describe himself that way, most are lying and you will not know until after we hang out.  Plus, you really don’t want that stuff anyway.  I know you think you do.  I know you whine to your friends about it.  But you don’t want it.

I had a gal tell her friend once that she liked me ok but she thought it was creepy that I brought a flower to her on a first date.  A flower is creepy?  Seriously?  Well, you have the right to think that way but don’t bitch to me when the guy you end up with screws your best friend.  But hey, at least he didn’t show up with a flower.

So we have an internet world full of gals who want a nice guy.  That’s great.  Well, in two months and three weeks they are going to have to find another nice guy because I am out.

Let me gripe about something else.  Seventy five percent of these women describe themselves as sports fans.  Ok, I can believe that.  I know some gals who are sports fans.  However, it doesn’t mean as much to you as it does to me.  It just doesn’t.  I respect that.  I need you to respect my feelings as well.

True story.  I was living with a pretty young lady when I was 19.  I was sitting on the couch watching game 7 of the World Series starring my Atlanta Braves.  Let me repeat – World Series, game 7, Braves.  I wouldn’t get off the couch if the building was on fire.

My gal comes out of the bedroom around inning 6 and starts being all flirty.  I didn’t respond properly I guess and she flat out tells me that she wants to have sex.  I’m flabbergasted.  Ummmmm…..it’s game 7!!  I’ll be with you in about an hour.

She was pissed!!!  Then the Braves lost.  She was still pissed after the game so my team lost and I didn’t get laid and I had to put up with her in a bad mood all night – and this gal could really get mean when she wanted.

The point to all this is you should know your partner.  We were talking about nice?  If my gal was watching the season finally to Friends or whatever it was she watched back then, I wouldn’t barge in right in the middle of her show and demand sex.  I would clean the kitchen, take a shower and seduce her AFTER her bad word show.

You see the difference?  If I interrupted her show that would take away from her enjoyment of it plus we probably don’t have sex.  Waiting till after allows her to enjoy her show and leaves a high possibility for sex.

She could have been ready to console me after the game.  That would have made the Braves losing a little easier.  Look, I don’t love you less than I love the Braves and baseball is not more important to me than sex.  UNLESS IT IS GAME 7 OF THE BAD WORD WORLD SERIES!!!

So ladies, when you describe yourself as a sports fan, let’s make sure we’re on the same page.  That’s all I’m saying.

I guess it’s just me.   Maybe I am saying something wrong in these messages.  Why don’t you be the judge?

The Top 10 Possibly Objectionable Things I Have Said in Match.com Messages!

10.  I see on your profile that you have kids.  That’s great!  Do you think once we get married they can live with their dad?  There’s not that much room at my momma’s house.

9.  That’s a nice car in your picture!  You think I could borrow a few bucks.  Just till payday.  I’m good for it.

8.  I think one of my best traits is loyalty.  I mean, if you don’t count what happens in Filipino whorehouses. 

7.  I actually like the second George Bush.

6.  I’ve been waiting 39 years to give my virginity away and you look like that special someone.

5.  Like you, I enjoy a cold beer on the beach.  You don’t have a problem with babysitting piss drunk alcoholics do you?

4.  Do you have any pictures where you are wearing less clothing?  I can’t really decide if I think you’re sexy or not.

3.  To be honest, I’m not all that interested in you but I was wondering about that friend of yours in the third picture?  Could I get her email address?

2.  Just so you know, if we hook up I don’t object to you keeping your job as long as all the chores get done at home.

1.  Nice pic!  Have you ever considered breast implants?

*****************************************

I would obviously never say any of these things, but that’s my point.  If I send an email to some random gal and she doesn’t respond, ok.  But if they wink first they are already expressing interest, right?  So what am I saying that’s so wrong?

It’s just not for me.  I am too needy for this type of interaction.  I can’t handle my brittle ego being destroyed ten times a day.  I will make good my bet and complete three months but then I am going back to what I am good at – being in love with women I know but who have no romantic interest in me whatsoever.  It’s better that way.

I’m winking at you.

Russell Yale

pic1