Since the ship I currently work on always stays in the Gulf of Mexico, we have Direct TV in our rooms.  This is nice as I am able to watch all my sporting events.  Scratch that.  I gave up overtime money to watch the Bucs get beat 41-0.  Having TV sucks.

Still, when in my room I find that I have the TV on more often than not, even when I am not watching it.  I am an avid reader so I spend most of my free time doing just that.  Well, except when I am writing these blogs which depressingly few people read.  Thanks to those three or four of you for tuning in.  Apart from sports there is no particular programming that I care for.  There are a few shows that I like but I stand watch during primetime programming so ninety percent of the time my TV is just left on ESPN, sometimes ESPN 2 because you have to have variety in your life.

The exception to this is when I get off watch at ten minutes till midnight.

TBS shows reruns of The Office at midnight.  I will turn that on while I read a few chapters.  I enjoy the show and I am a big fan of the Jim and Pam love story.  I so much want to be loved like Pam loves Jim.  But we aren’t going there tonight.

Here’s the problem:  I have brushed my teeth and sat down on my bed by 11:55.  That leaves 5 minutes till my show.  Unless there is a good band at the end of Conan, I don’t want t to watch the end of his show.  Lately, I have found myself flipping through channels for five minutes which is not something I regularly do.

My dad is a channel flipper.   I can’t tell you how many times we have missed the end of shows because he flips over to something different and then gets interested in the new show.  Not me.  I just read during commercials.  Now, if there are two really good football games on I may switch to the other one on occasion, but that is about the only exception.

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Blog Music is Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  Name 5 bands that are have been more consistently excellent than RHCP over the last 25 years.  You can’t.

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I hate to admit this, but I have spent more and more of my channel surfing lately on Cinemax soft-core porn.  It started over a title that made me laugh.  I think it was “Bikini Babes from Outer Space.”  I just had to check it out for a minute.  I was so entertained!  My five minutes of soft-core porn has become one of the highlights of my day, and not for the reason you think.

These movies are so ridiculously bad.  And they are even worse when you just jump in for a few minutes without knowing what is going on with what little plot they do have.  I am sure that you are watching at least five minutes a day of these fine movies, but on the off chance you are not, please allow me to share some of my favorite highlights and some questions that arise when I watch for five minutes.

I turn on the movie and a man in a Tuxedo is in the shower with a naked lady and soaping up her breasts.  She is really getting into it and for about 3 of my 5 minutes she is moaning and sensually moving her body all around.  Then she opens her eye and exclaims, “Who the hell are you?!?!?!”  Who was she expecting?  And why was the guy wearing a tuxedo?

A lady is a giving another lady a massage.  The lady being massaged is naked.  They both really seem to be enjoying the experience.  Then the camera flashes to a guy doing curls.  You know, working on his biceps.  He is watching this massage as he works out.   The masseuse keeps giving the guy these sexy looks.  One thing leads to another and we basically have full-on lesbian sex on the on a massage table that is apparently in the middle of a gym.  The dude, whose arms never get tired because he is still doing his curls, is just watching the entire time.  I know this because the camera moves to him for like 30 seconds at a time.  Finally, the lady who was being massaged looks over and notices the guy and is shocked!  I don’t get it.  Why did she disrobe to be massaged right in the middle of the gym if she didn’t want people watching?  Is this normal behavior at this gym?  Do they charge extra for it?  And why does the director of the movie think that anybody wants to watch this jackass do curls for 30 seconds?  If you are watching soft-core porn, aren’t you watching it for the sex part?

Why is it that beautiful women will star in porn but the guys are almost always weird looking?

A naked woman in a pool is trying to coerce a naked man to join her.  There is a crashing sound in the house.  The man looks behind him and says, “What was that?!?!”  The woman grabs the man by his penis and jerks him into the pool.  I don’t know what all was going here, but that’s just mean.

I think this is my favorite.  I enjoyed it so much I had to watch another 5 or 10 minutes.  There was a pretty lady who was a witch.  I only know that because the title was something like, “Sex Witch.”  The thing is, her being a witch never tied into the sex parts.  She had just moved into a new house and would use her powers to do things like decorate her house without actually having to work at it.  Then the movie would cut to another scene of two people who weren’t involved in the movie and they would just start having sex.

Can somebody please tell me why they don’t just put together an hour of sex scenes?  These movies make absolutely no sense to me.  But they do give me 5 minutes of humor in my day before I wind down with my book and The Office

If you want to try and film a soft-core porn movie with me, let me know.  We can probably come up with a better plot than these other stupid movies.

Truth be told, I am already filming the movie with you in my head 🙂

Russell Yale

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