I’ve been a little bummed lately.  I’m fat and I wish I was skinny.  I am not crazy about this ship I am on for another 4-1/2 months.  People don’t act the way I want them to.  The Bucs didn’t make the playoffs.  The Tigers…. Let’s not go there.  My phone broke (we’ll get there in a minute.)  And the truth is I just get down sometimes.  That’s really the problem.  Me.  Sometimes I just get down.  That’s how I am.

So, there I was sitting in my chair watching TV when a commercial comes on for the ASPCA.  They are asking for money to save poor neglected doggies.  I really like doggies.  One of the saddest things about being a sailor is not being able to have a doggie.  Well, it turns out that for $.60 a day you can help prevent doggies from being abused.

It got me to thinking.  I have blown over $3,000 in a night of partying.

****Flashback****

I had a little gambling problem in my early twenties.  The thing you should know is that you do not develop a gambling problem if you never win.  Winning is really the worst thing that can happen to you.  When you start to lose, and you will always start to lose, you remember when you won and you believe it will happen again.

Of the handful of times I gambled on football and walked away with money my record haul was $3,200.  It was the most money I had ever seen.  Let me tell you, having somebody stick $3,200 tax-free in your hand is a good feeling.  My night started at a nice restaurant with my friends.  Scotch, wine, after dinner drinks and all that good stuff.  Then I went to my favorite pool hall where I lost some money gambling on pocket billiards.  I dropped a pile on party favors.

To cut to the chase – I woke up the next morning with about $80.  I can’t tell you for sure how much I had, but I definitely remember it wasn’t as much as $100.

Apparently, I had more than just a gambling problem.

****Flash forward to the present****

If I can drop $3,000 and not even know what I spent it on (for the most part) then why not help out these doggies?  And on a side note, do you have any idea how much time I have spent adding up how rich I would be if I could have all the money back from nights like that?  I think it is somewhere between $100,000 and four gazillion dollars.

I am now helping out doggies for $.60 per day.  It made me happy.  But I am not telling this story to let you know what a nice guy I am for helping doggies.  I saw a commercial the next day for UNICEF.  They wanted $.50 a day to keep kids from starving somewhere or another.  That really shocked me.  It is cheaper to feed starving kids than to help doggies?  That just seems odd.

You want to know the best deal out there?  You can give money to the WWF and help Polar bears for only $.23 per day.  That’s a bargain.

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My bad word phone!!  This is the fourth phone that has either broke or been stolen since I started sailing.  It’s devastating.  Only a sailor can sympathize with how awful it is to have your phone taken from you, no matter how it happens.

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Blog music is obviously Communication Breakdown by Led Zeppelin.  You should have known that already.

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If you land people have something bad happen to your phone you go get it fixed.  Maybe you get frustrated because the store is busy and you have to take a long lunch.  Maybe you treat yourself to a day off and have a nice lunch while your phone is worked on.  Maybe you just wait till the weekend.

If you phone dies on a ship you stagger like somebody has just punched you right in the gut.  You collapse into a chair and stare blankly at the floor.  You try to turn your phone on again because you are in denial that it isn’t working.  You begin to feel rage and want to punch something.  Then you feel sad and want to cry.  Next thing you know you walking in circles trying not to throw a punch because everything around you is steel and would break your hand and holding back tears because, well, you just don’t cry on the ship.

It’s awful.  Not only is my phone gone but I use the mobile hotspot feature so that is where I get my wifi.  All communication – gone!  Internet – gone!  Pictures – gone!  Can’t pay your bills, look at your bank account, check Facebook, write your blog…nothing!!  And your contacts….

Bad word my life.  I can’t believe I lost my contacts again.

But wait!  I have a fancy android phone and an android phone backs up all your contacts to a gmail account.  I know this works just fine because I went through this same scenario in July (I go through about three phones a year.)  I was on a ship and my phone died.  After my little temper-tantrum finished I tearfully emailed everybody to send me their contact information.

My Auntie did, because she’s good about that stuff.

There’s really nothing else to add to the above.  I eventually got the rest of the information I needed, or at least most of it, but it was like pulling teeth.  Let me rant for a minute.  And please, nobody get your feelings hurt because everybody who knows me knows how much I love my friends and family, but you all suck when it comes to replying to an email requesting your contact information.

I have had a lot of problems in my life but I have never been a stalker.  I have never peeked in people’s windows, burned down somebody’s house, sent a letter bomb or given a friend’s information to the police resulting in said friend’s arrest.  I don’t call your phone and hang up or leave nasty voice mails.  I have had your info before and I am only asking for it now because I might need to contact you, or want to contact you.  Hell, I might just want to send you a balloon some time and let you know I care.

Christ!!  Send the bad word email with the info.  I just don’t understand what is so hard.

(I actually wrote this nine days ago, and a few more people came through.  I’m still going to leave this in the blog, though.  I just don’t get why you can’t hut reply as soon as you read the email.  I just don’t.)

Ok…I apologize.  The most frustrating thing is the contact information you cannot replace.  The tour guide in Israel.  The cab driver in Antwerp.  The Miss Universe contestant in Venezuela who could put her ankles behind her head (I am not sure if that was real or if I dreamed that.)  And because it is so frustrating that you cannot replace all this stuff it just makes it worse that it is so difficult to get the information that you can replace.  I didn’t mean to shout.

Well, I pieced together my friend’s and family’s info.  Because I am an idiot I didn’t do what I swore I was going to do and write this stuff in an old fashioned address book.  I just left the messages in my old mail folder.  I hate being such an idiot.  If you knew how high my IQ is you would wonder how I can be an idiot all the time.  I don’t know.  I have this friend who is like the best copy-editor in the world.  She is super-smart and I can figure out the appropriate tip on an order of beignets like ten times faster than she can.  That’s how smart I am.

Long story short, I sailed into Houston and activated a new phone.  I signed into my gmail and all my contacts appeared!!  Woooohooooo!!!  In your face people who are too busy to answer my email.  What a wonderful technological advancement.  I was so happy.

When the new phone crapped out I was pissed but at least I knew I would eventually get my contacts back.  The biggest problem was finding the time to get to the Sprint store.  When I made it to the store they informed me they had to order a phone and they could only deliver it to the store.  However, I was about to sail back to Galveston.  Uggghhh…  I would get my phone one day.

I finally got my phone.  I logged into my gmail account and…….no effing contacts!!!!!!!  I can’t believe it!!  Why didn’t they download?  You want to know why?  I sure as bad word did!  Because they disappeared!!!  Nobody has any explanation.  I have talked to Sprint techs and gmail techs.  I have prayed to God and fasted.  Ok, I didn’t fast.  But I did pray.  Well, I kind of yelled at God a little.  Does that count?

You know what I really love?  The people who have the advice about what you should have done before your phone broke.  These are the same people who tell you they knew the bad lady was going to take all your money.  Of course, they tell you AFTER she takes your money.  Or the people who have endless advice on how to fix the problem and know more than the technicians who work on this stuff every day of their lives.  I hate to break it to you all.  Nothing you said works.  It just doesn’t.

Or what about the people who reply to your email requesting contact information and express sympathy that you lost everything.  But they don’t include their contact information in the email!!!  Are you bad word kidding me?!?!?!?!?!

I don’t even know what I’m writing about anymore.  I wanted to express how hard it is to lose your communication when you are a sailor.

It’s hard!  I guess I could have just said that.

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I slept through dinner the other night.  I am pretty sure that is a first for me.  I was disgusted about losing my contacts, tired and had a headache so I just turned off the lights, set my alarm for 7:20pm and slept till it was time for watch.

The results were pretty predictable.  When I left watch at ten till midnight I had quite the rumbly in my tumbly.  I try to never eat after 8pm but I was hungry!!  Walking down the stairs I decided I would make a sandwich and just live with the guilt.  Then I remembered that there was a plate of cake donuts left out.  For some reason that sounded so good.  I knew that eating a donut before bed was unacceptable but I could not get it out of my mind.

I walked down the stairs going back and forth between donut and sandwich, donut and sandwich.  Somehow
my thoughts merged and by the time I got to the galley I was thinking about a donut sandwich.

No, I didn’t eat a donut sandwich.  Don’t be stupid!  But I was munching on a donut as I slathered mayonnaise on my ham and cheese sandwich.

I wonder why I am fat.

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It’s question and answer time!!!  As always, these are questions that I would expect my audience to ask if anybody ever took the time to email and ask any questions.  Since you are obviously too busy to care about what is going on in my life, I will answer the questions that you would ask if you weren’t so self-involved.

That is sarcasm.  Have a sense of humor.

Question – How do you feel about the GEICO commercial where the pig is on the airplane paying his insurance on the smartphone app?

Answer – Mostly, I like it.  I certainly like the pig.  Now, we can all agree that there will never be another pig commercial as good as the original where he goes weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee all the way home.  That was a classic.  But I like the pig.  I don’t have a problem with the pig being on a plane.  I would rather sit next to him than most people I have gotten stuck with.  It is certainly realistic that he is being forced to turn his phone off.  What I question is how can he use the phone to begin with?  Does a touch screen react to his pig-paws?  How does he even hold it?  If he was Bluetoothing – fine.  I can accept a pig with Bluetooth.  I just don’t buy the touch screen.

Question – What do you think about Pakistan vs. India playing cricket on pay-per-view TV?

Answer – Well, I don’t even believe cricket is a sport, that’s for starters.  If I was going to watch a pretend sport it wouldn’t be Pakistan vs. India.  And can somebody please explain how these Pakistanis and Indians have free time to play make believe?  If they have all this time on their hands they should pick up some of the garbage covering their countries.  I wouldn’t watch this crap for free.  If you paid me $100 and gave me free chicken wings I would pass.  Thanks for asking.

Question – Do you cry every time you watch What Happens in Vegas?

Answer – Yes.  Every time.  The scene where Ashton Kutcher (sp?) goes to Cameron Diaz’s office party to sabotage her but ends up helping her and they have their first dance as husband and wife.  Oh my…  Cameron is so beautiful and when Ashton holds her she gives that sensual shoulder shake dance move and then they hold each other and each of them has the look that says they are finally realizing they are in love.  Then I think I will never have that moment in my life.  And it makes me sad.

I found this low quality link to the scene so you could check it out.  Yes, I cried again when I watched it.  Screw you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-5-UX1rNXc

Question – What do you think about LSU being projected to open the season #14 in the country?

Answer – I think this will go up after signing day.  Then we open the season with what will be a highly-ranked TCU team and after we crush them LSU will be top 10.  Look – LSU is going to be fine.  Most of the players who went pro were not a surprise and LSU was projected as a top 3 team.  Then we lose to Clemson in the chicken sandwich bowl – a game that nobody was motivated for – a few more players go pro and  all the sudden it is doomsday.  Tharold Simon is the only one that really upset me.  Do we have that many good corners?  I dunno.  Ok, I was thrilled about Kevin Minter either.  Still, LSU will be in the SEC Championship game next season playing Florida.  I will watch it with my dad and we will most likely not speak to each other after the game.  You heard it here first.

Question – What is the best sandwich in the world?

Answer – That is a tough question, and a good one.  You would think we would be talking about the best chicken wing ever.  Well, I won’t answer that question until I have the opportunity to eat wings in Buffalo.  The problem with the sandwich question is that they all so different.  I can think of so many.  But you asked so you deserve and answer.  If we can agree that a sandwich is anything between two pieces of bread, excepting a hamburger which is its own category, then the winner is…….The Darryl’s Special!  This is a poboy served at a little bar named Darryl’s in Lake Charles, LA.  It is simple wonderful.  I even wrote a poem about it.  If you want to read it, email me.  If I get so many as two request I will publish it.

Question –Why is it so hard to find the perfect woman?

Answer – It’s not.  It’s hard to find the woman who thinks you are the perfect man.

Question – Well, what constitutes the perfect women?  Nobody is perfect.

Answer – Nobody is perfect, but the woman who in spite of her imperfections is the last thing in your heart at night, is the first thing in your heart in the morning, and makes you want to be the perfect man….that is the perfect woman.

Question – Are you still watching five minutes of soft core porn every night?

Answer – No.  I can’t take it anymore.  The stories, which were humorous to me at one point, now just annoy me.  The women who once seemed beautiful now are unattractive.  There seem to be two groups of soft core porn stars.  One set of movies have super skinny heroin addict types with perfect fake boobs.  It doesn’t look right.  The other movies have truly attractive women, but I don’t even care.  The movies are just awful.  And call me a homophobe, but I don’t like watching naked men.  Sorry.

Question – Speaking of homophobia, what do you think about the evangelical pastor who backed out of praying at the inauguration because of comments about the gay lifestyle he made 20 years ago?

Answer – I guess my answer would be – why is there an evangelical preacher praying in Obama’s inauguration anyway?  What, are you going to try and find an evangelical preacher who makes pro-gay comments?  They don’t exist.  And if they do, they are not doing their job.  Look, evangelical preachers, Catholic Priests and most religious leaders speak out against sin.  The sin that I commit (which is way too much) the sin you commit and yes, homosexuality.  I am not saying it is a sin.  I am saying that is what the bible says.  So let me ask again – why was this guy scheduled to speak in the first place?  The people elected Obama as President.  Give them what they what.  Have some new-aged, tree-hugging, the-universe-is-God transvestite priestess give the prayer and in four years we can get back to what made this country great.  I just don’t care about this.  I don’t care about anything that happens with this administration.  My New Year’s resolution was to remove buffoonery from life.

Question – Why are you such a homophobe?

Answer – First, I hate the word homophobe.  I have yet to meet the homosexual who scared me, although I have met some gay dudes (and at least one lesbian) who could kick my ass.  Second, I like homosexual people just fine as individuals.  I really think one of my greatest strengths is how I have always judged people as individuals.  What I don’t like is wacko activist bullshit.  I hate stuff like gay day at Disney.  Let me tell you homosexual community, this is why people get mad at you.  I don’t, and I don’t think many people, care even a little about your lifestyle.  Do what you do.  It’s America.  But leading up to gay day at Disney you will see all these billboards on I-4 that are drawn cartoon style of flamboyantly gay people going to Disney and enjoying Disney events.  I am not even going to write about how mad it makes me.  I don’t care if gay people go to Disney.  But people are not bringing their families there to watch you try and prove a point by being flaming gay at the most magical place in the world.  I don’t bring my political issues to Disney.  I would appreciate the same courtesy.

Question – What do you think about the CNN story this morning complaining that only six of nineteen top cabinet members are women?

Answer – I don’t talk politics, so this is the last question like this I will address.  The answer is – I don’t care.  I don’t care.  I don’t care!!!  Why is this a story?  Why can’t we just hire the best person for the job?  I don’t care if every appointee is a woman.  I don’t care if they are all men.  I told you I was removing buffoonery from my life.  I am not talking about this nonsense.

Question – How is match.com going?

Answer – I TOLD YOU I WAS REMOVING BUFFONERY FROM MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!

Question – Is Contraband the worst movie ever?

Answer – Without a doubt.  It is so bad that in my next blog I am going to break down the movie for you.  Right now I am tired.

Bye

Russell Yale

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