Hey folks. I wasn’t going to write any blogs – or at least not very many – but I simply couldn’t stand the cries echoing across the Gulf of Mexico from all my fans wondering what the hell is going on with me. Ok, the noise I heard was a seagull and nobody has said the first thing about me not writing blogs so this is all for purely selfish reasons. I am writing like mad on my book and got a little stuck. However, I didn’t want to stop writing heretofore I am presenting you with this new and original blog. (I have never used heretofore and don’t know if my usage is correct. I don’t think it is. I don’t care. I did it on purpose.)

The book is really pretty good, by the way. At least I like it. If I extrapolate the positive results I get from blogs as a ratio to the number of books that will be printed (I really don’t know if I that makes any sense either) then it looks like I will sell about seventeen novels. That’s not bad for a first book. I think Grisham only sold fifteen or so copies of A Time to Kill before he became famous with The Firm so that puts me right there in the meaty part of the curve.

Every now and then I go back and re-read some of what I have written and I laugh out loud at times and get a little choked up at times. I think that means it reads well. Of course, I am often the only one laughing at my jokes and cry by myself more than I care to admit. I guess my opinion doesn’t really mean anything.

Anyway, there will be a book in the next six months. I will either find somebody to publish it or you can send me $5 and I will print you a copy at Kinko’s. I am hoping for the published route. I really want to be on Ellen.

I don’t have much to write about so I thought I would take questions from my readers. Well, if anybody ever asked questions and those questions were the least bit intelligent, these are what they would be.

Q: What is it like when you first get on a ship? How long does it take to settle in?

A: Excellent question! The first week on a ship is basically spent shoving folded up pieces of paper and cardboard into all the little nooks and crannies that creak and rattle and make all sorts of annoying noises. I know, I know. The ship was built in 1998. You would think somebody would have fixed them all by now. Believe me, they have tried. The evidence of their efforts is all over every room. This is an ongoing battle that can never be won. It is like Whack-a-Mole. There is always a new noise popping up.

Q: Do you like working on an oil tanker?

A: Compared to having a real job on land? Very much so. Compared to working on a tramping cargo ship? No.

Q: Is there anything you really like about working on a tanker?

A: Right now I am lying in bed watching the Braves play. And the salad bar is always fresh.

Q: What sucks about working on a tanker?

A: It is loud. It is smelly. Everybody is all serious like if they accidentally crack a smile oil will dump into the ocean. It doesn’t go anywhere fun. You have to wear hardhats at sea. You have to wear long sleeves. The ship is chartered for $100,000 a day but the mattresses are so bad you can hardly sleep on them (I mean, seriously. I am all for making a profit but the little people who put in the work should be able to get a decent night’s sleep. I would invite the accounting department to spend a night on these devil beds.)

Q: What sort of work have you been doing?

A: Painting, painting and painting! Uggghhhhh… I hate starting off with painting. I usually like to impress people with how good I am at stuff before they see me paint and realize I am a retard. Yeah, I know it is 2014 and you can’t say retard. You know, I am not insulting mentally challenged people when I say that. That is an insult that people of my generation grew up using. I hate that you are an awful person because politically correct people have changed the language. I mean, God forbid you call somebody a faggot. I don’t refer to homosexuals that way. It is just an insult we used growing up and we didn’t even think of being gay when we used it. When I call a guy a pussy I am insulting him but guess what my favorite thing in the world is? That’s right – chicken wings. So you get my point.

Q: How is the crew?

A: They’re good. No problems. However, it brings up another thing I don’t like about tankers. You get the really weird sailors on deep sea ships and that is one of the things that makes this job interesting. Not that everybody on a tanker would be the most normal guy in the insurance agency, but you don’t get the super weirdos here. I like the characters. For one, I’m kind of messed up myself although I have the ability to disguise myself as normal. And they tend to be entertaining. But on a tanker you aren’t out of touch for months at a time, you know what is going on in the world and Wal Mart is never too far away. I think that keeps people a little more grounded. Plus, it is easy to fire a guy on a tanker because you are always in port. You can fire somebody on a deep seas ship but Captains are more reluctant as there is the problem of flying them home and flying the new guy out. And, if you’re in the middle of the ocean, well, it’s hard to get fired there. The point is my shipmates are fine guys to sail with but none of them will make it into my book.

Q: What will be the best thing about publishing your book?

A: Giving my parents the first two copies. There isn’t even a close second.

Q: What is the most screwed up thing about the Democratic Party.

A: Their deviousness. Look, I don’t want to argue politics with you and you may not believe this but I respect your opinions. I really do. If you believe in your heart that the path to a prosperous America is to tax hard working people at higher rates and redistribute that wealth, I disagree, but I respect your right to believe that. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you have put thought into your opinion and have some knowledge to back it up. But this is where the Democrats are really getting one over on the country. They have mastered the strategy of making people believe that they are the party that cares. “I don’t hate gay people because that would be mean and I am not mean. Therefore, I am going to vote with the party who loves everybody. The dems care about people and they are in favor of the Affordable Healthcare Act therefore I am in favor of the AHA.” So many people are voting against their core beliefs because they don’t want to be labeled as mean, hateful or uncaring AND IT IS ALL SO UNTRUE!! The perfect example of this is a situation where some idiot atheists forced some grieving people to remove crosses and other religious stuff that was marking the spot where their friend/family member was killed in an accident. I don’t care if you are an atheist. It is America, after all. But where did you get the idea that you have the constitutional right to never, ever see a cross or hear the name Jesus? You have the right not to be forced to worship Jesus. That’s it! Anyway, the poor family has to take the crosses down because these atheists just hate people, I guess. Now, there is no way, no way, no way in a million years that this represents the core value of your average American. We are a loving, caring, and yes – Christian! – people. We just are. Deal with it. But the atheist and freedom FROM religion thing is a left issue. Let’s follow the steps. “I think a grieving family should be able to mark the site where their son died but the atheists have rights too and I don’t hate atheists. I don’t hate anybody! They should have freedoms too! Who else supports what they believe? Oh! The democrats. Well, I agree with them so I also believe that the military should be reduced to pre-World War II levels, corporations are evil and the rich don’t pay any taxes. Oh yeah, everything is George Bush’s fault.” It is tricky, it is devious and it is wrong. I would just ask everybody to really look inside and get in touch with your core values and vote those. I will love you no matter what they are. I really will.

Q: How is a great guy like you still single?

A: Ummmm….I don’t know. The women that think I am great are women who don’t have to make the decision of whether or not they would date me – family, married friends, friends dating other people, friends with extreme age differences, etc. The women that could date me don’t want to. I guess that tells us something but I don’t know what. Generally speaking, I love the wrong women – those being the women that don’t love me.

Q: What are the best things about being a sailor?

A: So many things! No matter how much I screw up financially I can get on a ship and be debt free in a month. I get to see the world. I see stars at night that I didn’t know existed. Dolphins come and say hi to me all the time. It gives me stuff to write about. I am really good at my job and by the time people are getting tired of me, I leave! I don’t have to deal with any of the stuff that depresses me at home. Things that hurt at home don’t hurt quite as much out here. I am healthier out here. I am happy at sea. Lot’s of stuff.

Q: What do you hate about being a sailor?

A: Being covered with paint all the time. Having a tiny bathroom. No chicken wings. Sometimes I want a hug.

Q: How come we are not having blog music?

A: Well, I am not listening to any. Let’s do High in the Morning by Tom Petty and the Heart Breakers. I only pick this song because I wrote a song about six months ago to the tune of this. I might have used this before. It is better each time you listen to it, trust me.

Q: Are you going to watch The Masters even though Tiger pulled out?

A: Yeah, but I won’t like it.

Q: What’s better? Opening day of baseball or opening day of football?

A: Football is far and away the better sport but opening day of baseball should be a holiday. Baseball wins this one.

Q: Is this going to be a long or short blog?

A: Short! I just had an idea for my book!

Life is good on the ship. My body is hurting a little bit but other than that I am well. I guess I will see you guys in August or September. Whoever is nicest to me between now and then I am coming to see first. And we are going out for a really good dinner!

Stay safe. Vote your heart. Smile at strangers. Tell your loved ones you love them.

Russell Yale

 

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