‘Twas the night before Christmas

And on the bridge of my ship

There was not a thing on the radar

Not one single blip

 

The Captain and crew

Were all snug in their beds

With visions of cold beer

Dancing in their heads

 

I gazed out the window

To watch shooting stars

I looked back and forth

I looked near and far

 

Then what to my wondrous

Eyes did appear?

But Hugo Chavez on a slay

Pulled by eight nationalized reindeer

 

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(You know, when old Chavez wants something, say oil rigs belonging to American petroleum companies, he just nationalizes them.  Santa made the mistake of delivering presents to the fine people of Venezuela.  That is how the reindeer got nationalized.  Try to keep up.)

 

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I cursed and I spat

Then turned my rudder hard right

Chavez boarding my ship

Had filled me with fright

 

I maneuvered with all

My considerable skill

But it all mattered naught

Hugo came for the kill

 

I prepared to sound the alarm

And abandon the boat

When I saw something coming

That filled me with hope

 

It wasn’t Superman or Batman

Much better than that

It was Rusty the Pirate

Wearing his big feathered hat

 

Rusty soared in on a ship

Made of gold and moon beams

His Parrot named Buster

Shouted out a war scream

 

Rusty kicked Hugo hard

With his one wooden pegged leg

Then cracked open his skull

Like a rotten old egg

 

He picked up Hugo and

Tossed him into the sea

Then went to the reindeers

And set them all free

 

Rusty saved Christmas

But he still wasn’t done

He had brought lots of presents

It was like a lottery was won

 

Belgian beer, Jamaican weed

And Colombian whores

Enough for the whole crew

And still there was more

 

He saw I was sad

There was no present for me

He handed me a box

And I shouted, “Wheee!!”

 

A SpongeBob Christmas special

On BluRay DVD

With special features and a bonus disc

And all just for me!

 

I thanked my pal Rusty

And said my goodbyes

Rusty grabbed a lady

And some weed to get high

 

He said, “Anytime that you need me

Just give me a call

I’ll be here in a jiff

And we’ll have us a ball.”

 

He was off in a flash

His ship golden and bright

He shouted, “Merry Christmas me hearties

Ye have a super-groovy night.”

 

Merry Christmas to all the fine folks who waste their precious time reading this stupid blog.

God Bless you and you and your families.

Russell Yale

 

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