I decided to check the news headlines the other day while I was in port in Galveston. I like to stay on top of current events. One of the headlines on CNN was a story about a woman who killed her boyfriend by smothering him to death with her breasts. Turns out they lived in a trailer park.
The three thoughts that crossed my mind – in order – were:
1. Not a bad way to go.
2. This could only happen in a trailer park.
3. Will the jurors have a chance to see the breasts during the trial? They’re evidence, right?
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Blog music is Goodbye Cruel World by Pink Floyd of The Wall.
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What did I feel when listening to the Presidential Inauguration?
Sadness, mostly. I felt like the judges from American Idol when the voters choose to get rid of the person who is obviously the most talented and keep the marginally talented cute girl that all the teenagers are crazy about. The judges look at each other in disbelief and then use their “save” and say, “You got this one wrong America!” and the good person gets to stay on the show.
Except this is real life and I am not a judge and don’t get a “save” so I was just stuck staring at the TV in disbelief wondering how you can get more then 50% of the American voters to ignore fiscal common sense and say to themselves, “Bankruptcy sounds like a neeto idea!!” The President didn’t even talk about the economy. How could he?
I wish we could have two Presidents. Let’s have a fiscal President that nobody has to like. He just has to know something about money and he can get the economy going in the right direction and we can all have a savings account and job security. Then we can have a popular President like Obama and he can lead the masses in flushing common sense and the moral values of our country down the toilet, which is apparently what people want.
Then we’re all happy.
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Why do fat people hate skinny people? Well, let me tell you.
It’s not that I wish anything bad happen to skinny people. I have skinny friends and I have even been in love with skinny people. Given the chance I would still like to make sweet love to a skinny lady or two. The problem is that it is just so unfair that you get to be skinny no matter what your lifestyle or eating habits.
Let me be clear. I am not talking about people who are nutrition nuts and hit the gym every day. If you are putting hard work into something you deserve the results you get. I am talking about most people who are skinny. You know, the people who couldn’t get fat if they liquefied Big Macs and shot them straight into their veins.
I don’t drink anything with sugar. Ever. That means I have zero calorie intake through beverages. I eat sweets once a week if at all. I eat few complex carbs such as bread, pasta, rice or potatoes. I don’t necessarily eat small portions but I load up on salads and vegetables before eating anything else to prevent gorging on higher calorie items. I am no gym rat but I do exercise a few times a week.
In spite of this I am a fatty. If I was the last woman on the face of the earth I would not have sex with me due to the disgustingness of hideous fatness. When I got on this ship I looked in the mirror and grabbed two handfuls of fat on my belly and swore that I was getting rid of it. I have lost 11 pounds and I can still grab the two handfuls of fat.
Skinny people may watch what they eat because they think they’re supposed to, but they don’t really need to. If they decide they are hungry and want to run through McDonald’s for some chicken nuggets and a small milkshake, that’s what they do. They enjoy their snack and when you see them later on and ask about their day they tell you about their snack and how much they enjoyed their milkshake.
You know what I do if I cave in and eat some chicken and have a milkshake? I eat it in the car and then panic that somebody at home will find out. Not that they care but guilt comes with being fat. When I get home I remove all evidence from the car, sneak into the garage and bury the garbage at the bottom of the trashcan and then go inside and brush my teeth before I talk to anybody.
I would feel less guilt ridden walking into the house ripped on cocaine.
Last night I was hungry before going to watch at 7:50pm. I never eat after 8pm but sometimes I need a little something before watch. I try to eat something fairly healthy. Last night the only thing available was leftover spaghetti.
I like spaghetti. I LOVE leftover spaghetti. I had not eaten the spaghetti for dinner that night. I had just eaten a salad and a bowl of the meat sauce. The cook had mixed the sauce and the pasta all together and left it out for night lunch. That, of course, is the best way to eat it. All mixed up.
I gave in. I was good. I didn’t eat the whole giant plate. I ate one scoop in a little bowl.
And then I felt awful the entire night. I hated myself. I thought of nothing during watch except how fat that spaghetti was going to make me. I didn’t enjoy the stars, I didn’t think about pretty ladies….nothing. I was just mad, sad and disappointed with myself.
That’s why we fat people hate skinny people. You don’t know what it’s like to have 4 hours of self-loathing over 7 bites of spaghetti.
Jerks.
You also know nothing about the horrors of shopping for clothes. Clothes are designed for skinny people. Fat people’s clothes are just larger versions of the same clothes. Well guess what? Fat comes in all sorts of different shapes and we don’t fit in that stuff. Clothes never fit right!!!
I paid $250 for my last pair of jeans. That’s a pile of money. I didn’t pay that much because I had to have that brand of jeans. I don’t think anybody I hang out with would recognize the brand name if I told them. I bought those jeans because after trying on twenty pairs, they fit the best. When I looked at the price tag I almost passed out because I didn’t know jeans could cost that much but I paid it anyway. I just couldn’t try on any more jeans.
My cousin April is a smoking hot pretty lady. She is skinny. I am sure she likes nice jeans. Put her in designer jeans and you would have a magazine cover. But you know what? Drag a pair of jeans out of the dumpster behind Walmart that are either two sizes too small or two sizes too large for her and she would look awesome in them. She would look so hot that you wouldn’t even notice the stench of rotten garbage from the dumpster.
It just really pisses me off!!
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I’m outta here for awhile. For several years I have slowly been piecing together a book. I don’t know that I am any closer to finishing it today than I was one year ago. It really upsets me. It is hard to write a book. If you don’t believe me, try it and find out for yourself.
I have limited free time on the ship and I spend a lot of it reading and some of writing these blogs. That leaves nothing for my book. I am going to try and spend at least 90 minutes a day working on my book and see if I can make some progress.
If something exciting happens I will write a quick blog and let you all know what is up. However, there are not too many exciting stories from this ship. The fact is we just run between Tampa and Galveston and that doesn’t allow for many adventures.
If you want to drop me an email on occasion I promise I always respond. Personal correspondence is always fun.
See you when I see you.
Russell Yale
PiratePooh 